One Year

It has been almost a Year since Jeff left us. It has been the most trying year of my life. There have been tears, loneliness, anger and thousands of unanswered questions.

There has been anger at the Doctors for not doing more or for not trying other treatments. Anger at myself for not insisting that he seek another opinion or another method of treatment. Anger at losing one of the things that I loved the most for whatever the reason.

There has been the loneliness, this really comes when I am working on something that I could always count of Jeff to help me with. When parts don't fit or a nut won't start on a bolt I can almost hear him say "get out of the way and let me do it". Now I just look up and say "You've got to help me out here", and things seem to work a little better.

Our family seems to have drawn closer in the last year because we realize how short life really is and how much we mean to each other.

I know that Candy is hurting something awful and I don't know how to help her. If there were something I could do or say that would help the hurt and loneliness she is feeling I would gladly do it. Words cannot express how much it meant to us to know that she loved and cared for our son enough to take a year of her life and devote it to caring for him.

There are thousands of questions we have asked about the method of treatment Jeff chose, But the bottom line is they were Jeff's decisions and they were the right decisions for Jeff. Nobody could talk him into or out of a coarse of action once he made his decision. He was his own person and made his decisions and lived with the result all of his life. So I cannot second guess him now.

I know that his friends miss him and think of him a lot. There is a huge hole in all our lives that no one will ever fill. For Jeff was a truly unique person who will always hold a special place in all our hearts.

In Loving Memory of My Son, Jeffrey Carlton Ryder

Carl Ryder